Mom
I’ve been trying to decide how to, and whether I should, write a post about my mother’s death. I wrote before about her diagnosis with uterine cancer, and she’s already gone. It was kind of a “one minute she’s fine, the next she’s not” scenario, and I won’t get into details, but it’s been such a hard month since it happened. We knew that death would ultimately be the outcome, but it was so FAST. I barely had a chance to process the diagnosis… let alone process the thought of never seeing or hugging my mom again, at least in this life.
I think we always know that it’s natural for our parents to die before we do, but that doesn’t make it any less traumatic or sad. Mom was young – only 58 – and I thought she had lots of life ahead of her. Losing Mom has meant losing my best, best friend. I used to talk to her two or three times a day – for the silliest things, things I would never bother any other living soul about – and I can’t begin to say how many times I’ve come thisclose to picking up the phone and dialing her number. Dad joked about leaving her cell number connected, just so I could still call… but that wouldn’t be the same.
I thought I would have more to say about this loss, but there’s just not much to say, I guess. It’s the reason I’ve been so quiet – it’s hard to write witty posts when you don’t really feel all that witty. It’s kind of like the color went out of the whole world; it’s slowly coming back, just not fast enough. One of the things that irked me about Mom (and Dad) when she first became a Buffett fan was how she would quote him. She said Jimmy had a song for every situation, and by God, she knew which one fit. I asked her, the Wednesday before she died which one fit this situation… she didn’t answer, but I think it’s this one:
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On
from TAKE THE WEATHER WITH YOU
(Jimmy Buffett/Matt Betton)
I bought a cheap watch from the crazy man
Floating down Canal
It doesn’t use numbers or moving hands
It always just says now
Now you may be thinking that I was had
But this watch is never wrong
And if I have trouble the warranty said
Breathe in breathe out move on
And it rained
It was nothing really new
And it blew
We’ve seen all that before
And it poured
The earth began to strain
Pontchartrain
Leaking through the door
Tides at war
If a hurricane doesn’t leave you dead
It will make you strong
Don’t try to explain just nod your head
Breathe in breathe out move on
And it rained
It was nothing really new
And it blew
We’ve seen all that before
And it poured
The earth began to strain
Ponchartrain
Buried the Ninth Ward
To the second floor
According to my watch the time is now
The past is dead and gone
Don’t try to shake it just nod your head
Breathe in breathe out move on
Don’t try to explain it just bow your head
Breathe in breathe out move on
© 2005 Coral Reefer Music (BMI) & Vernon Dubusque Music (BMI)
Filed under blues, family | Comment (0)Bad girl
I’ve been kind of bad lately. Like, I know I’m doing something I shouldn’t, but I do it anyway. Today, for example, I decided to take an afternoon break. 1) I did not take a lunch break, but rather brought my veggie pizza back to my desk and checked and answered emails while I ate; and 2) I very rarely, if ever, take a break – no addiction compels me to leave my desk two or three times a day (yes, I’m looking at YOU, smokers), and so I end up working through my mornings and afternoons without so much as looking away from my monitor. So today, I took my book, my gummi bears, and a dollar for a bottle of Dr. Pepper down to the cafeteria at 3:30. Where I sat, blissfully reading, until 4:45. HAH! It was great! By the time I got back to my desk, I had just enough time to write a weekly status report, call one of my users to answer a question she left on voicemail, and log out.
The bad part is that this kind of behavior – this slacking off of work, if you will – is becoming more and more frequent. I don’t feel the responsibility I used to when I think about work; I don’t think about the downstream effects of my actions. This really started last year, probably about mid-fall, with no real rhyme or reason. I find myself very apathetic about work… I actually told someone last week that I DON’T CARE IF I GET A RAISE THIS YEAR. Wha??? I should care. I need that money… my car is eventually going to die, my water heater will go out, my washer will kick the proverbial bucket, and I have no emergency fund. Without that measly two percent (minimum) pay increase, I won’t be able to save as much as I’d hoped. Kiss those hardwood floors goodbye. Adopt a dog? How about adopt a plant. But my apathy, my bad behavior, directly impacts my year-end review, which directly impacts my “merit” increase. I’ve even talked about this with my co-workers, who are feeling similar feelings… we finally decided that we probably shouldn’t talk about it anymore because we were totally bringing each other down.
I think what it boils down to is that I’m burned out. I’m tired of seeing other people rewarded for doing their day-to-day job, and yet not getting the same treatment from my “manager”. It’s degrading and demoralizing to be constantly told that you’re wrong. To be asked to be something you’re not, and then made to feel bad for not living up to unrealistic expectations. I keep thinking I should look for something else, insist on better or more, but I just can’t bring myself to care about it that much. I don’t work to feel fulfilled, and this is not a career. It’s a job. It’s the thing I do to make money. Maybe someday I’ll figure out a way to do the thing that brings me real joy and not live in total poverty so I don’t have to worry about feeling like this anymore. What is clear, though, is that I need to make a change. Something’s got to give… there’s got to be some way to make things bearable again. Right?
Backup
I am afraid that my almost-8-year old desktop has given up the ghost. It worked for about 10 minutes lastnight – long enough for me to print a rabbit adoption contract and get some info from the internet – and then in the midst of installing the latest version of Java it just sort of went “eh”. The screen went all wobbly, and no amount of Ctrl+Alt+Delete-ing mattered. Unfortunately, I haven’t backed up files on that PC for some time… I’m going to try one more time to see if I can get it to boot up (I tried several times lastnight, and while it looks like Windows starts up, nothing shows up on the screen). If I can’t get it to work, I’ll take out the hard drive and try to recover the data. None of it’s very important stuff… just pictures and various and sundry other files. The desktop was supposed to be my backup for the laptop, but it’s obviously not reliable.
Now I need to find some other way to backup the laptop so I don’t lose anything else. I was looking at the Seagate FreeAgent Go because of all the pretty colors, but I don’t really have any great need for portability. The FreeAgent Desk comes in sizes up to 1.5TB (I can’t even IMAGINE filling something with more than a terabyte of data), and is not portable… I just need to figure out something.
This poor, pitiful Gateway has been limping along for at least the last 3 years… I upgraded the memory about 6 years ago, and then I upgraded to XP (it came with Me, if that tells you anything), and then I replaced the hard drive about 2 years ago. I’m kind of tired of messing with it at this point – I’m out of expansion slots, and the ones there aren’t really widely supported anymore; it came with a CRT monitor that I really wanted to replace, but just never took the time; and my laptop was configured to be a desktop replacement, so I don’t really need both of them. Now I have to figure out how to dispose of the thing… but I know there are tons of resources online for how to dispose of electronics.
