Funbags? Hardly.

Boobs. Breasts. Tits. There are lots of words for these appendages, but the one that seems most incongruous to me at the moment is “funbags”. There’s nothing fun about these things… they’re too big to be anything but a nuisance. I have been shopping for the right bra for the last 4 months now. I had the perfect bra, but when the first underwire snapped as I bent over to get out of my car one day, I knew I would have to find something else. Wacoal bras aren’t cheap, and while I think you should support “the girls” to the best of your ability, I just can’t spend that kind of money on undergarments. I’d rather spend it on shoes… but I don’t.

Anyway, because I am 1) overweight, and 2) of good, German, farmhand stock, I am well-endowed. Doesn’t well, when used as a prefix, usually indicate something positive? Yeah, I’m not feeling so positive… just very frustrated. I’ve measured, and measured, and measured again… according to all the calculations I’ve done, I should be wearing one band size and one or two cup sizes larger than my lovely Wacoal bras were. So that’s what I’ve been trying on, but that is a large enough size that it’s very difficult to find locally. I’ve ordered about ten different bras online, and have had to return them ALL. All of them!! Every last one. None of them fit. Some were pricey, some were not… but they all looked terrible. In the meantime, the last underwire on my last perfect bra gave out as I was cleaning the bunny room one night. I had to do something, so I went to Kohl’s and bought a couple of stopgap measures. They don’t fit very well, but I figured they’d do for now. I can tell they are the wrong band AND cup size – I can use the tightest hook closure and still pull the band over 2″ away from my body, and the center wires don’t lay flat like they’re supposed to.

So, lastnight I go to Kohl’s, not really intending to look at bras, but figuring I might as well try to find the next cup size bigger. It’s a triple-letter size, so I don’t have a lot of hope, but they actually do have a few different styles. I pick a smaller band size and the larger cup size, and they are ENORMOUS. There is enough extra fabric to fit at least one more breast in each cup! I’m so confused… what the heck? So, I try just reducing the band size, leaving the cup size the same as what I’ve been wearing. Still too big. Then, I figure I’ll try the size I was wearing before I started my search for the new perfect bra. Lo and behold, I tried on 3 different styles, and they fit. Hallelujah! It’s puzzling, for sure, because it’s not like I’ve lost any weight over the last 4 months… so I don’t understand why the size and styles that didn’t fit back then suddenly do, but I’ll take it. They cost together what one of the Wacoal bras do, so I’ll take it.

I have happy boobs now, that’s for sure.

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